The Heart Butt Connection.....

This morning I got a text from John asking me how it was going. My response was basically a list of how many of our kids have needed spankings! Needless to say, it was a trying morning. But thankfully, doing the hard thing has proven to be the right thing as well. My children were testing the boundaries, and I let them know exactly where I stood. They are all behaving nicely and feeling secure and loved. Now I can expect my children to hear my voice before it becomes loud and irritable. There is peace in this house.

In my conversations with other parents, I have often felt the passion in me rising anytime the subject of spanking came up. I can say, with complete transparency, that if I hadn't been given the proper tools to discipline my kids, I myself would have become abusive. The victim.... becoming the victimizer. I am so completely humbled by the mystery and beauty and wisdom of God's Word. In Proverbs alone God strongly directs all parents to spank a child 26 times. I don't know about you, but anytime God says something that many times, it must be important to look at and take seriously. Would God tell us plainly to do something that is wrong, or won't work?

As a child, I was mistreated. As a parent, I was scared. I wanted to be a good mom. I didn't want to ever damage my child and I also didn't want to be overly permissive.... which would also be damaging to my child. I am so thankful to God, for, by Divine Appointment, He directed me to a ministry called "Hearts at Home". And I am so thankful to God for the transparency, wisdom, and boldness of the women on the "discipline panel" who answered our anonymous questions, and gave us a huge dose of godly wisdom on parenting. They were the starting point on the journey of parenting that I badly needed. Pray for women in your life with children in their teens or later that have obviously succeeded at parenting them. Women who were obedient to God's Word, and are reaping the benefits.

Everything I know about the mystery of spanking is due to the books that I've read and the women that God put in my life. He put some amazing friends in my life that were living the chapters right before my eyes. Thank you God for Heather Holland, Jenni Lenc, Kalen Bringle and Kathy Cates especially. No three women could be a better example to me of godly discipine and love to their children than these!! I am overwhelmed with how much they helped me along.... thanks so much guys!

The books that were the most helpful to me in making choices about my parenting techniques and style were "Don't Make Me Count to Three" by Ginger Plowman, "Sacred Parenting" by Gary Smally and "Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp. (I also got some good nuggets from "To Train Up a Child" by Michael Pearl, but that book needs to be read with caution). I love sharing things that I learn with others and passing on parenting advice that has proven to be useful and important in my journey as a mom. So here I blog.... a condensed version for a healthy and effective swat on the behind.

I am absolutely aware that there are abusive ways to spank your child. And there are appropriate and loving ways to do it. I was taught several excellent ways to be sure that this form of discipline remained effective, loving, intimate, and right. First, and absolutely foremost, there cannot be any emotion attached to the spanking besides love!! If you are angry, and will get any satisfaction out of spanking your child ("That's it!!! Now you're gonna GET IT!!) then it is not an appropriate time to give them one. The key is to make a choice of whether or not you're going to be a parent that spanks, decide what offenses will result in one, and then just do it.

Next, decide what offenses are deserving of a spanking. I have decided that I wasn't concerned with the behaviors of my children, so much as I was their heart. And I also decided that spanking won't work if they are used every time your child is just acting silly and childish.... or showing immaturity and irresponsibility. For those times I would use a different method that helps with behavior modification, like our tally system, or taking things that they like away. So, in other words, choose your battles.... in advanced! I also ask the Holy Spirit to direct me, to tug on my heart, when a spanking was necessary. Who better than God Himself knows your child? NO ONE!! And then be ready to live out what you have decided. If you have no plan, the situations you find yourself in, will just escalate ("I said don't do that..... Johnny stop it!!.... STOP ITTT!!!) And then the teachable moment is lost, because you are irritated and even angry.

I made a rule with my children and myself that if I felt they were being disrespectful, defiant, or unsafe, they would get a spanking. An example of direspect would be rude faces, sticking out their tongue, hands on their hips, stomping their little feet, turning their back, and anything that they say that is short of respect and honor to me or their dad. (Notice how there are ways to be disrespectful with body language alone??) A three year old that sticks out their tongue at you, without consequence, could very easily become a 16 year old that gives you the finger!! When they are in their younger years, excessive whining and temper tantrums are considered disrespectful in our house as well.

Defiance is a refusal to obey, (only ask them ONCE!!! then sit there quietly and wait for it). I expect them to respond very shortly after I ask something of them. I ask them in a nice voice. I don't want them to ignore me until they hear in my voice that I'm about to crack up. I want them to hear my sweet voice, so that is the one I can use all the time. By the way, I am far from perfect. And these are my ideals. When I end up yelling or getting really irritated I tell my kids I'm sorry and ask them to forgive me. And they are very gracious and forgiving.

Disobedience is also when they don't do something ALL the way. Partial obedience, isn't obedience at all. Sometimes little ones need some more encouraging, and some reminding. But as they get older I expect total obedience... ie, the playroom needs to be all the way clean, not just partway clean.

And finally, if they obey, but they do it with a poor attitude. That is showing rebellion in their heart. Which is total rebellion to me. When I remind them of what obedience is I say "Please do it, right away, all the way and with a happy heart". Of course, there are times when I show them grace.... lots of times. God, the perfect Father does the same for us as parents. He is the model that we should follow. So, once again, pray! pray! pray! Ask for that wisdom from God, He will always give it to you.

Another point I wanted to include is, every child is different. Not only in different families, but within the same family. Be sensitive to that. Know your child. Know their heart. Find their gifts and their desires. Be supportive. Love on them the way they need to be loved. (People need to be shown love in different ways. Read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman) In Proverbs 22:6 "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." the word "way" is originated from an archery term that means to bend, as in an arrow. You want to bend that arrow to be on it's path, but you don't want to break it. Find the way your child needs to be bent. Find the ways your child is already bent. Every child is bent differently. Like an arrow, aim them in the direction they are meant to be in, bend them just so, and they will get there. God's Word says so.

So, after you have established when you feel it's appropriate to spank your child, be sure to practice the how. Lashing out at unexpected times, while screaming and chasing after them is not a picture of a loving adminstering of a spanking. The whole thing needs to be "an event" in order for it to be effective. It needs to be controlled. It needs to be expected and not a surprise. Tell them how many swats to expect, and then count them out loud. Three is enough in my opinion. It should sting like crazy, but NEVER leave a mark. Some people use a "rod" of some sort, and some use their hand. It is a personal preference, and should be prayed about.

We have a spanking place. That way it is never a surprise, to either of us! Once we find ourselves in the laundry room, I have a conversation (or just one sentence, depending on the age and maturity of the child). I try to use the same words God does, because no one can say it better! "You were disrespectful to mommy when you.... and that is not honoring your mother" or "You need to obey mommy... and it was disobedient when you...." When I have explained their offense, I give them their three swats. If your child wears a diaper you should move their diaper. If you feel uncomfortable with spanking a bare bottom, put a wash cloth over it. And afterwards, hug them until they are done crying. When they are calm enough to hear your voice, pray with them. Pray as the Spirit leads you. God knows what words they need to hear.

Some days my wildest child will need several spankings. And sometimes my kids will go weeks and weeks without one. When they get a spanking, they don't feel offended, they feel loved. They trust my word, because I follow through. They have boundaries and feel safe by them. They know the difference when I have failed to live by my convictions and have "flown off the handle". They prefer a calm spanking over a crazed and yelling mommy anyday. This isn't meant to be a way to intimidate a child into listening. It is mysteriously, like my blog title states, connected to their heart.

If you have never even considered spanking an option, and are now thinking of giving it a try, be sure to have a conversation with your child/ren about what to expect from you and what you expect from them. Then pick one or two behaviors that you feel has gotten way out of hand, and concentrate on those one or two. Once you see improvement (consistency is KEY!!!) than tell them about the other behaviors that will now result in a proper swat.

I hope these words have been helpful to someone somewhere with the questions I found myself having all those years ago. Thank You Lord, for You are my strength in my many weaknesses. Thank You Lord for Your Holy Spirit to guide me. Thank You Lord for the wisdom in Your Word. Thank You Lord for the promises you will keep. I offer up my beautiful children to You, for they are not really mine. Please help me to be sensitive to the way each one is bent, and please help them to soar to heights and distances in spite of any mistakes I might make along the way. In the precious Name of Jesus is my prayer. Amen.