At the Foot of the Cross

A broken marriage is heartbreaking. And that is an understatement. Two fallen and sinful people coming together to make one. To me it sounds doomed from the start, a recipe for disaster even. And yet, God created it. And somehow it is even the very picture of Christ and His church. Of course, ours is a marriage made on earth, among sin and sinfulness and flesh and decay. His is a marriage made in heaven. And so what do we do, with this earthly, sometimes broken, sometimes painful marriage? How do we respond to a spouse that is imperfect, sinful, and sometimes really difficult to live with?

Before marriage, I was not one of those Christians that thought "Hey, I'm a pretty great Christian!" I was, and still am pretty aware of my wretchedness. So it didn't come as a shock to me, when I did not turn out to be the Proverbs 31 woman in my role as a wife. However, in the microcosm of my little world, my sins have become even MORE magnified! Magnified to a degree, that it becomes essential to address them and not to ignore or just live with them. So now that I've discovered that I'm an even worse sinner than I originally thought.... now what?

What do I do with the disappointments? The pain? Scrap it? Pray for early widowhood? (See, I am an ugly sinner) Become a constant nag? Fake it 'til I make it? Try harder????

I've tried all of these ways, and they just don't work. Well, I haven't totally scrapped it, but I did check out emotionally and have been unavailable to my husband for long periods of time. And that may be even worse in some ways. Thankfully my prayers for widowhood went unanswered. And nagging only made things worse. God's Word says that I am sickness in John's bones when I nag him. Focusing on my own behaviors, and trying harder, just causes more disappointment, more despair, when I fail, or self-righteousness, bitterness, and resentment when I succeed.

Thank You God for the Titus 2 women in my life. Thank you God for Your Word. For in my questioning of You and Your plan, you lovingly guided me to where I needed to go. For when my sins are magnified, the need for the cross is also magnified. And when I go to the foot of the cross I am right where You want me. Here I will lay myself down, and wrap my body and mind around it. Allowing the blood of Jesus to flow down and over and cover every inch of my being. A robe of blood that becomes my robe of righteousness. It hides my blemishes, washes away my sin, changes me, renews my mind and makes my heart tender. If every time I fail, I capture my wrong thought and make it obedient to Christ. If I spend time with Him, seeking Him in His Word, and I leave that place with His aroma covering the stench of my flesh. If I be still, knowing that He is God, listening for His voice, crying out to Him my worries and my sadness. And even all of this is still by His Grace alone and through His Holy Spirit alone and by His Power alone. In my weakness, He is my strength. To Him alone be the Glory.

To an unbeliever this will sound foreign, and the blood visual will even sound like a remake of the horror flick "Carrie". But to those that have tasted the grace and mercy of His forgiveness. To those that have found themselves at the foot of the cross. This is the most beautiful scene in the Story of Life.

At the foot of the cross there is no judgement. There is no condemnation. There is Redemption. There is Salvation. There is Power. Here I can trade what is of no value to me, for something I could never earn or purchase. I can begin to live in a Heavenly Kingdom as the daughter of a King. I can walk in the same power that raises the dead, and makes alive the dead parts of my own life.

God takes no joy in my pain. Pain is a necessity at times, and through this fire, this refining fire, I come out with a little less dross and a little more shine. And instead of just enduring the pain, I can even take joy in my suffering, if I remember it is changing me more and more to be like my Beloved Jesus.

So, this day, when I fail once again in some way or another, or when I am hurt by the sin of another, I will lay myself down in the only place that can change me, heal me, and bring me peace and joy inexplicable.

The cross.....

Press On

Lately everywhere I turn I am faced with hope. I can't escape it, not that I want to. There have been many times in my life that I have felt the emptiness and terrror of (almost) absolute hopelessness. All the time grasping for a God I wanted to believe was there. Was He Knowing, Caring, Still in control? Unable to see any hope. Blinded by sadness, circumstances and self-centeredness. And yet I pressed on.

Driving in my car the other night, I thought back to the path my life has taken so far, and where I am today. Seeing His Hand on me throughout all those dark times, I became overwhelmed with gratitude. My heart overflowed with thankfulness to God, my God had never forsaken me, He never will. He, who in perfect wisdom, does whatever is good and great and right. And resting in those truths, I press on.

God has been loving me through some amazing people lately. I am surrounded by and being loved by an amazing body of Christ. I am being encouraged and prayed for. Whose thoughts of me are precious. I have been grafted into and adopted by this body. And for the first time in my life, I want to become a member of a church. And even as I write this my palms feel sweaty and my heart races.And my mind wanders to all of the "what ifs" (like a groom with very cold feet). But I press on.

This morning with each sip of my coffe (that my sweet husband made me), out of my brand new mug, I am faced with hope. No, literally, it says the word "Hope" on the inside (thanks Cheryl!) And I ponder over what my hope is in. My hope is in HIM, who has my every tear in a bottle, who gave himself for me, even unto death, who loved me first, when I was so unlovable, who never did and never will forsake me, even when I turn away, who has a beautiful plan for me, that I take no credit for, who loves me tenderly and sometimes painfully, even when I reject Him, and who conquered sin and death, giving me the same power of the resurrection to Just Press On!