Maybe you've heard the saying: "There is nothing to fear but fear itself", well in my opinion that is a load of you know what. Without fear, we could not give God a proper response. Fear promotes a need for peace, and that is a need only God can really fulfill. It is only in moments of realizing our humanity... our mortality, can we really begin to rely on and cling to God fully. He speaks to us so tenderly in our moments of terror. He draws us in. He surrounds us. It is then that we feel His presence more fully than any other time.
Just recently I experienced this for myself. I am scared of flying. And really that is putting it mildly. Let's just say, when I am about to embark on an airplane, when I say "goodbye" to my friends, my husband, and my sweet little children, I am literally saying "GOODBYE... SAYANARA... SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE... IT WAS NICE KNOWING YA... HAVE FUN AT MY FUNERAL". No exaggeration. When that cock pit door closes, I hear the creaking of a coffin and the pounding of the nails. Are you getting the idea? Well, in order to get to my Zumba convention, I needed to ride in one of these flying coffins. Usually I call up my mom, and ask her to loan me a Valium or two... or three. But she was out of town. So, I rode to my grave sober minded. And thank God that I did!
Before I left, my dear dear friend Rebekah and I prayed together on the phone. During her prayer, she was moved to pray for me that God would give me a thought that I could cling to that would bring me peace when I felt afraid. I am so thankful for my friend who listens so closely to God's Holy Spirit, and for God who has placed this dear person in my life.
At take off, I cried. Literally, there were tears pouring down my cheeks. No one noticed, because I did it completely silently (a skill I didn't know I had). I almost reached across the aisle a dozen times to hold hands with an old man. The really hot guy next to me was not an option. After we reached a "safe" altitude, they began drink service. Right after they gave me my coffee, the pilot turns on the safety belt sign and says "We are approaching some weather, I am sorry to have to interrupt drink service. Flight attendants please secure the cabin." Well, what I heard was "We are about to fly into a storm, we are all going to die. And oh yeah... all you chumps that didn't get anything to drink, so sorry". Before I left for this trip, I was reading with Shade a book for school all about thunder and lightning, and here is the picture that is permeating every part of my mind:
At this point the tears are streaming and the whispered prayers are pouring out. When all of a sudden, I am literally jarred by a vision. It is a baby, being held in the arms of someone, in heaven. And in that moment I knew that that baby was the baby I lost to a miscarriage some years back. I never think about that little soul. And here she pops into my head. Reminding me that I have so much to look forward to when I die. Lately I have struggled with heaven. It sounds so anticeptic and monotonous and boring. I know that this is a wrong view. But it is mine nonetheless. Heaven just got a lot more interesting. I prayed, clinging to that beautiful vision, that beautiful little baby. After a few more minutes, I opened my eyes and I cautiously looked out the window, and there boldly painting the sky, was a beautiful rainbow. A covenant. A promise. For what? A definite outcome of what I desired? No... a hope.
At this point I yell out to said hot guy/neighbor "LOOK a RAINBOW" (and silently... "we might live!!") The guy on the other side of him says "he doesn't speak english". We get to talking and I find out that these two are on their way to "rehab". At first I'm like "jeez... that's personal information", then they clarify they are ball players. When I ask if it's a team I would know, they were like. "The Atlanta Braves". They were very humble. And after that treated me like they would a little sister, and helped me find my way around the Orlando airport, and to my shuttle. I asked them if they had noticed how scared I was, and they hadn't, thankfully.
Fast forward to my next trip, my flight home. I had made friends with a lady at the convention. She was one of six people that were sharing two rooms, but we were not in the same one. Howerver we had run with the same crowd all weekend. She was also a strong believer. I hadn't got a chance to say goodbye to her, and I saw her at my gate at the airport and I ran up to hug her goodbye. We discovered that we were on the same flight. But then much to our total dismay and delight we discovered that we were sitting RIGHT NEXT to each other!! Yay! Someone to hold hands with. We prayed together, we shared our testimonies, we became solid. It was amazing. Only God could've orchestrated something so very perfect. And I am so thankful.
If I had done what I normally do, numbed my fears with a pill and maybe a cocktail, the opportunity for God to show up for me would have been lost, although it's true, I wouldn't have ever known what I had missed. Thank You Father for giving me the courage. Which, by the way, isn't absence of fear, but having fear and going for it anyways!
